Things you should beware in your marriage relationship

While healing an ailing relationship is usually what we all want, sometimes it’s wise to know when it’s time to let go. Every marriage is different, but here are some universal truths.

• The Clock's Ticking
  Time is a factor: “The clock starts ticking on the end of a marriage as soon as one spouse puts the [couple’s] problems out in the open,” says Bryce Kaye, Ph.D., author of The Marriage First Aid Kit. “The more time that passes after that without any effort made, the lower the odds are that you’ll stay together.”
  
  
• You’ve “Uncoupled”
  Couples whose marriages are over, or nearly over, have usually uncoupled, or disconnected from each other, says Elayne Savage Ph.D., author of Breathing Room: Creating Space to Be a Couple. “If you’re no longer spending any time together — and if it feels like a relief not to be with each other — it’s a sign that you’ve already disengaged from the marriage.”
  
  
• Your Issues Go Unsolved
  Alisa Bowman, author of Project: Happily Ever After, says that if one spouse repeatedly brings up an issue, asks for help and makes it clear that the marriage will not last unless they both commit to solving it, but the other spouse refuses to go along, the marriage is in trouble.
  
  
• One Spouse Won't Try
  “One partner can’t do all the trying on his or her own,” says Bowman. “You can’t go anywhere like that.” A good rule of thumb: If it’s been a year with no progress, it may be time to call it quits.
  
  
• There’s No Respect
  One of the most important aspects of a healthy marriage is mutual respect, says Savage. When that’s gone — when one partner consistently feels dismissed, rejected and condescended to you’re in a bad place. “Marriages that reach this place are toxic — you’re no longer civil, and all discourse is either attacking or defending.”
  
  
• You're Not a Team
  In healthily humming-along marriages, both partners work as a team on everything from parenting to supporting each other in career and personal ambitions. “If you’ve both started moving in completely separate orbits, or if you’re not working together on day-to-day issues, it’s a sign of serious trouble,” says Savage.
  
  
• An Unfaithful Spouse is Pals with an Ex-lover
  Infidelity is an enormous hurdle for a marriage to overcome, but just ending the affair is not enough, says Kaye. For a marriage to fully get past one spouse’s adultery, the unfaithful half of the couple cannot maintain a “friendship” with the former lover.
  
  
• There’s No Compromise
  A major part of marriage involves trying to fulfill your partner’s needs while also making sure your own needs are met. It’s a lifelong dance, a give and take, and it requires constant communication. But if your partner continually refuses to listen to what you need or refuses to share his own needs, you’re not in a good place, says Kaye.
  
  
• One Spouse is a Serial Cheater
  After the kind of affair a couple can recover from, “there are regrets, apologies and a promise to put an end to it and seek counseling.” Not so with the serial cheater; that’s a problem you can’t fix, and likely spells the end of your marriage.
  
  
• The Cheater Blames the Other Spouse
  “Some men — and stereotypically this is men — are just not cut out for marriage; they are unable to remain monogamous, even if they seemed to have wanted to get married,” says Bowman. What’s worse, they manage to put the blame for their philandering on you, usually for being too jealous or controlling.
  
  
• You Disagree on Having Kids
  “If someone’s close to either side of the will-we-or-won’t-we-have-children fence, you can work through it. But if not, and having a child is a life goal of yours, you may be looking at the end of your marriage,” says Bowman.
  
  
• You Don’t Communicate
  No problem in a marriage can be solved without open, honest communication. If you’ve reached a point where all you ever talk about is mundane things, like who needs to buy milk, you’re in trouble, says Savage. “Lack of personal, intimate exchange in a marriage is a very bad sign, especially if you are talking to others.”